Joint Or conjoined!

Love vs. Arranged marriage concept in India, confuses many in Western countries. Once an expat colleague of mine during a discussion, innocently asked – ‘Why do you call it an arranged marriage? Don’t you have any love in it, to call both the marriages as love marriages?”

Similarly, Joint vs. modern family is something else to think about, whether it is just jointly staying together or inadvertently sharing many vital areas invading the spaces like conjoined twins.

A joint family or undivided family in India is an extended family arrangement consisting of many generations living in the same household. The family is headed by a senior person, usually the oldest man, who makes decisions on economic and social matters on behalf of the entire family. The patriarch's wife generally controls the household and religious practices. Family income flows into a common pool, from which resources are drawn to meet the needs of all members, which are regulated by the heads of the family. The nature of the relationship can be of equivalence, mutual respect or teasing in nature. In a traditional joint Hindu family, there is a subservient relationship between the wives of the brothers: the patriarch's wife is traditionally considered the head of the house after the elders and oversees running the household affairs. The subsequent younger brothers' wives would typically focus on 3Cs (Cooking, Cleaning and Care) and seek her permission for each and every matter regarding the household or upbringing of the children. Modern individualism has been a threat to the family collective unit, and those living in modern joint families find themselves feeling confined under the watch of crowded family members. Remember 90s’ Bollywood movie “Hum saath saath hain”, where the new foreign returned daughter-in-law takes the entire family on the couple’s honeymoon? Or the to-be-daughter-in-law, who is a doctor, is always seen serving food to the family.

With urbanization and economic development, India has witnessed a break up of traditional joint families into more nuclear families. With study and job opportunities expanding the doors to the whole world, the youth would seek to fly and have a nest of their own, as suitable for their work and living. Does that make them selfish human beings?

I have been raised in a moderately joint family with parents, two siblings, and our grandfather and we moved together to my father’s workplace. I could enjoy staying together as well as my share of independence, being brought up by my parents’ modern outlook on raising kids. They did not have to be influenced by many elders about our education, clothes, or even marriage. Grandfather was a quiet person, more interested in his hobbies than dictating his daughter-in-law, hence my mother had ample freedom in running the household, with my father extensively traveling due to his job nature.

With this, I would sometimes get surprised while visiting school friends’ houses in the small town that we lived in. Kids were constantly monitored on what they wore, where they went etc. and their mothers would be obedient daughter-in-law, for the whole of their life till they become the head of the family eventually and the cycle continued. It came with many advantages of easily raising the smaller kids, with many women in the house, and at the same time constant pressure of living by the rules of the house. One of our relatives was only 18 when she was married into a joint family of 35 people. This is a rare example, where her father-in-law being a lawyer, strongly insisted she continues her studies. Thanks to him, she completed her higher studies and went on to become a successful lawyer herself; while her only son was completely raised by the mother-in-law. This did not make her any less of a mother, as afterward her educated thought process played a vital role in bringing up the son.

Joint families, mostly gave the elderly a sense of security as they were taken care of completely, till their death. As there were many children, even if few left the house; the elders would always have one kid and family to hang on to. With the current situation, when many of us are even single kids; at times the youth feel bound by living to the core values of a mandatory joint family. Children are cursed if they must send off their parents to old age homes, who may need intensive medical care for certain illnesses. Children are expected to earn and give all the comfort to their parents; yet cannot think about their own well-being. Does mandatorily staying together with extended family make anyone a better person? I have seen, many lazy people just enjoying the perks of being in a large family and don’t worry about standing up on their own. There is typically one person/couple, who constantly sacrifices without complaint.

Many times, in the past, I have been bothered by questions like, why don’t you marry soon as you’ll need to bear children who will look after you in old age? Where will you stay alone later etc.?

I fail to understand why the elderly today so much dislike the old age home, where they can form their own tribe of like-minded, similar-aged population, of course, if they are not healthy enough to live on their own. I plan my finance well to be able to afford an amazing retirement home and would seek to continue working there till the end. The homes, actually provide a calmer environment and everything is taken care of. One need not necessarily have children so that someone is there to nurse them till their life; rather for having a family together. Physically staying together doesn’t guarantee you a family together, most times it’s the unavailability of the options as well. Ask many men and they’ll slowly speak up about how they had to quit education and start working at an early age, just to provide for a long list of siblings. Similarly, the women would talk about their dream of doing something on their wish or spending some alone time with their spouses.

It is still great to have a joint family, with much sense of belongingness, mental health, etc. If come a choice, I would be open to staying in a joint family with certain changes for everyone’s wellbeing. It could be just the same house under one roof, however well designed to give privacy to individuals. There could be more than one entrance, kitchen, and common areas, where the individuals/couples can spend time on their own. Respecting everyone’s choices, the family head should not force them about what to eat, how to dress, and celebrate every small festival around.

Spending a vacation together could be as well planned out, than expecting that everyone must call everyone for each dinner or movie or shopping time. People should give each other space in pursuing their hobbies and managing their own finance and bringing up the kids. The elders can plan on pursuing some creative hobby that they wish to have done at a young age; than spend endless time watching TV and monitoring others’ activities.

Physically staying together does not necessarily bring people together, it’s our hearts that should care for each other and be connected forever!