The Great Indian Marriage Market

Recently I watched a Tamil movie named “Annapoorani” in Hindi audio. The female protagonist, who aspires to be a chef against the orthodox Tamil Brahmin family’s wish is forced to marry a “Suitable boy from a respected family”. She is also restricted from having a Muslim boy as her good friend, in the fear that they’ll run away and marry. This made me think once again, why parents in India consider marriage as the only medicine of all problems(which they create in their heads) to solve their children’s problems. A girl child is specifically educated, to fetch the best breed groom with the lowest dowry in many communities.

During our last week of engineering course 23 years back, our college topper(a boy) commented, “What do you girls have to worry about a job or recession? Your degree is only to fetch an NRI groom.” Sadly, this was/is the mindset of our peer group.

I was visiting my aunt’s house in New Delhi during my late twenties and her best friend came for a visit. The first thing she asked me was NOT my name, NOT my education, NOT whether I study or into a job, NOT how I am doing, rather “Are you married or about to marry?”. I left the place without even responding to her, as people like them will never earn an elderly respect.

"Oh my God, you are 28 years old, still not married? All your friends are long married with kids by now.”

Aren't your parents worried? Don't they know it's not right to keep an unmarried daughter in their home for so long?

What will people think? They will say something is wrong with the girl and her family.

When will you settle down? When will you have kids?

How do you even stay alone? It is not safe to stay without a man.

You are so money-minded and selfish, that’s why don’t want to marry.

I have gone through these questions and am sure even men go through similar challenges.

“Har marz ki ek hi dawa, iski shaadi karwa do(All the ailments have only one medicine, Get him/her married)”.

Ø The son/daughter is a popular scholar in the society, marry him/her off at the earliest; so that they don’t bring shame to the family by choosing a partner outside the regulated religion/caste/community/city.

Ø The grown-up child wants to travel abroad for a better career, first marry him/her off, so that the possibility of them marrying someone foreign can be nullified.

Ø A Brilliant girl child wants to pursue higher education or wants to travel to a different city, block her by marrying her off. Marrying before the age of 25 and giving birth to a kid before she turns 30 is the most important rule to be followed.

Ø An only son wants to pursue higher studies away from his parents, marry him off; so that he stays nearby and probably becomes a family man and looks after the aged parents.

Ø Nothing at all, just get the offspring married before they turn 30; else what will the society say?

Ø The descendent is identified as LGBTQI, marry off to the opposite gender to hide the pseudo shame.

Ø The child(specifically a guy) is seemingly loitering around, failing in education, having a habit of drugs, etc.; and marry them off to fix “the issue”. Women are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men, birthing a child will make things even worse.

Ø To “Die in peace”, marry off the child sooner, seems like heaven’s gate won’t open if the parents pass away before doing so.

Ø Want to see the grandchildren getting married as well, so force your child to marry sooner to fast-track the overall process.

Ø Dreaded Indian soap opera like Anupama proudly showcases the female protagonist confronting her disloyal mentally abusive husband to take a hike by saying – Doli mein aayi thhi, arthi pe jaungi(I came in a palanquin, I will go on the bier only). Girls are made to believe that their married life and husband’s house are the only pathways to heaven and dare they deviate from this rule.

Arranged marriages in Bollywood movies showcase the above examples proudly. Films like Hum Aapke Hain Koun (1994), Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam (1999), Dhadkan (2000), Vivah (2006), Namastey London (2007), Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi (2008) and Manmarziyaan (2018) seem to establish the idea that arranged marriages are either an exercise in taming the termagant or keeping a manipulable woman in the same state. My favorite is the Amazon Prime video series “Made in Heaven”, a must-watch.

Marriage is a forced social necessity in India, and parents consider it their primary responsibility to marry off their children to ease the so-called burden sooner they can. Daughters are targeted to be married off in their early twenties, and sons as soon as they start earning. Married couples are also accorded respect in the community. Some other reasons why parents may want their children to marry include:

· Social acceptance: “Samaj kya kahega(What will society say??)”. Children are only socially accepted when they come out of legal wedlock. Single/divorced mothers and mothers without wedlock are still considered taboo in our seemingly progressive country. In recent times, girls are even presumed to be lesbian, just because they refuse to get married.

· Protecting children: “Hum sirf tumhara bhala chahte hain(We only wish you good luck). ”Parents may force their children to marry to protect them, build stronger families, and preserve cultural or religious traditions.

· Getting off the dead weight: You must have heard this line “Betiyan to paraya dhan hoti hai (A girl child is the property of someone else, she must marry and leave to her husband or in-law’s house)”. A highly educated self-independent woman, who may be a CEO/CFO; can be still considered a headache to her parents if she is a spinster.

· Indian law: Indian law in many ways supports only legally wedded couples. For instance, owning a house/vehicle/bank account together, a single man adopting a girl child, adding a partner to the health insurance; all these need a couple to be legally married.

· Controlling unwanted behavior and sexuality: The LGBTQI community may have received legal recognition; however legal marriages seem to be far away as well. Parents are dreaded to find out if their child is from this community.

· Protecting 'family honor': “Tumne hamari naak katwa di(You have brought shame to the family)”. In specific states of India, honor killing is so popular that even police are scared to intervene or provide legal protection to adult couples from mismatching communities.

· Responding to peer group or family pressure: “Hum to apni zimmedari poori kar rahe hain(We are just doing our duty)”.Our child must marry as everyone else is getting married. It does not matter how intelligent, self-sufficient, self-dependent, or progressive they are or whether they are not ready to get married.

· Attempting to strengthen family links or fulfilling long-standing family commitments: Anyone who has watched movies like “Dil chahta hai”, “Dil to pagal hai” can relate to this. The female protagonist is expected/assumed to marry in the same family that provided her shelter years before when her biological parents died. Another instance shows both parents fixing a wedding for their kids to each other when they were just born, to further strengthen their friendship. What a loan to repay with one’s own life.

· Ensuring land, property, and wealth remain within the family or group: Many communities normalize marrying within the family so that the ancestral belongings stay within the extended family boundaries and no outside stranger can invade. A classic example is, that millionaires at times do fix the marriages mainly to expand their huge empire of wealth.

· Protecting perceived cultural or religious ideas: India is a vast and unique country with a large number of different religious, and cultural groups. Within a specific religion, there are further minute divisions of caste, and creed and people are super cautious to protect the barrier created for many years.

· Assisting claims for residence and citizenship: On the lookout for citizenship in the list of developed countries, parents often force the child. “Abb Nahi” Social Welfare Society is an institution started to rehabilitate such brides abandoned by their NRI grooms.

Indian parents are superfluously concerned with appearing respectable in society over their child's happiness. Finally, to safeguard their intentions, parents say classic statements: if anything goes wrong with their “Forced arranged marriage” setup.

Aage tumhari jo kismat - We cannot erase, whatever is written in your fate

Hume Bhagwan pe bahut bharosa hai – We have deep faith in God, he’ll mend everything that we have managed to mess up with

Tumhari life hai, tum dekh lo – It is your life, you see what to do next

Hopefully, current and future generations will learn from the past examples. They will be able to find a balance between loving, and taking care of their kids vs choking them with marriage expectations. This will help decrease the number of scams, depressions, suicides, and murders arising in the matrimony industry.